


A Little Uncertain

by ThereIsNoTragedyInThat



Series: Somewhere Between Kansas and the Open Road [16]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Messy Feelings, Protective Dean Winchester, Voyeurism, short and sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:21:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25708852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat/pseuds/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat
Summary: He knows.He pretends he doesn't.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Somewhere Between Kansas and the Open Road [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698406
Comments: 1
Kudos: 31
Collections: Dean and Cas Bingo





	A Little Uncertain

**Author's Note:**

> Here have some angsty smut.
> 
> Bingo Fill: Masturbation (B3)

Dean knows.

He pretends he doesn’t.

Doesn’t see those eyes watching through the crack in his doorway, doesn’t sense that presence in the air, even when he isn’t praying, Doesn’t feel that heaviness of intention laying over him like a blanket, making it all so much more intense.

It’s like a game.

Except this one doesn’t have any winners. Not really.

His bed is quiet, one of the reasons why he liked the memory foam, no sounds to echo down the hallways of the bunker, nothing except his voice of course, but he learned early on to keep that to himself. Motels weren’t much for privacy as a teen boy and he knew all sorts of subtleties.

He isn’t here yet, but Dean knows he will be. Its like some kind of freaky sixth sense for when he’d getting himself off. Castiel just seems to know, is suddenly there in spirit if not in person…Castiel isn’t very good at subtle.

Pretending is easy.

Putting on a bit of a show but not too much to giveaway the game…he doesn’t really want to give it away. He might like the feeling of those eyes on him as he touches himself, revels in their unflinching attention but only because they both act like the other doesn’t know.

Sam wouldn’t approve of playing with someone else’s feelings. Hell, Dean knows he’d walking a dangerous line with Castiel, knows it from the way those electric blue eyes are always on him, even during the day, not under cover of darkness and doors…knows Castiel is probably just as confused as him.

Yet he can’t seem to stop.

Not since the first time.

Not since he peeled back tired eyelids after a euphoric orgasm and spotted, just for a second, a familiar figure in his doorway, clad in a long trench coat. Dean hadn’t thought anything of it at first…until it happened again, and again, and finally, even when Castiel wasn’t present in the bunker, he felt his presence in the air, watching.

There was something more there.

Dean couldn’t imagine what it was.

They had a long and tumultuous history…Castiel had done things that were almost unforgivable. Dean had done things that should have sent the angel running ages ago too. Yet here they were, in some kind of strange, undefined limbo that couldn’t quite be described.

Dean would by lying if he said he didn’t still resent Castiel for some of things he did to Sam. That was a bitter pill to swallow and maybe that was exactly what kept him from looking over on nights like these and beckoning him all the way inside for a closer look, what kept him from opening the door just a little bit wider or whispering Castiel’s name on the edge of a pleasured sigh. He wasn’t petty and he wasn’t downright cruel, because he might want to do those things in the night while running his hand along his cock, but he’d feel differently in the morning.

That still begged the question, of what kept him from just closing the door firmly and flipping the lock, what kept him from putting up wards so the angel couldn’t watch from wherever he was. It probably had something to do with the way Castiel’s eyes could pin him to the spot, made him want to hold him and laugh with him and pretend all the things they’d done to each other over the years didn’t exist.

There.

Dean spread his legs a little wider, stroked his hard cock with a little more intent. A single, oh so quiet footstep from outside his door. He wasn’t worried about it being Sam, his brother would just roll his eyes and keep walking…but there weren’t anymore footsteps and that meant it was Castiel watching him through the small crack in the door.

Not for the first time Dean wondered if Castiel touched himself to the sight. He had never dared look over since that first night to find out…it didn’t stop him from wondering though, having found Castiel to be generally asexual in character. Dean didn’t have the right to ask and he already knew he’d never find out.

He arched his back a little on a particularly good stroke, thumb teasing the head and wash of arousal moving through his shaky limbs at the presence of Castiel alone. Dean wouldn’t last long tonight, it had been a long, difficult day wrought with worry. He was only masturbating to help him sleep and to erase the images of the knife held at Sammy’s throat…though he was glad he was doing it now.

As always, when his pleasure begin to peak, he felt the tingling sensation on his tongue, the urge to turn his breathy sigh into a familiar name, to whisper and beg for something he knew was forbidden to them both.

This quiet denial was all that they had. Was all they both deserved.

Dean came with his teeth clenched tightly, his thighs trembling lightly, his eyes squeezed shut, and a low whine in the back of his throat. The entire time he felt those eyes on him like he was sitting in the crosshairs of a sniper and felt their intensity like the burn of whiskey.

He lay in his bed panting, a sheen of sweat coating his naked body, as he waited, ears straining for the sound of movement. It didn’t come for a long time, long enough for Dean to wonder if maybe he missed the sound of Castiel moving away from the door. He hadn’t…for the first time the sound of his footsteps were accompanied with a sigh that sounded a little too much like disappointment.

Dean opened his eyes and stared at the empty space behind the crack in the door and felt something in his stomach turn. This was all they had but it wouldn’t last forever, at some point, some day, something had to give, and Dean dreaded the explosion that might occur and the thought of losing something precious.

Until then, Dean _knows_ , and he pretends he doesn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr and scream into the void that is my inbox.


End file.
